8 years

8 years ago, my youngest brother Owen passed away at the age of 9. It was incredibly tragic and difficult for me to process at the age of 17. He had spent a year and a half battling cancer, and I clung tight to my faith at the time; believing that I would have the opportunity to see him again if I remained righteous and steadfast.

In late 2015, one year after his passing, I found myself questioning my sexuality. I was attracted to girls, and this posed a large threat to all of the core truths I held. I was gay. It was absolutely unacceptable in the religion and community I grew up in. The following three years were spent in a harsh back and forth battle between living how I was ‘expected’ to live and living the way that made me happy. Over time, my belief in the Mormon religion dissolved completely. It had felt incredibly freeing to be myself, to love women, and to open this new chapter in life — and I made the choice that it was more important to me than my religion.

I felt guilty for a while as I was told by a loved one that I was ‘choosing an earthly sin over my brother’. My beliefs felt like a safety blanket when Owen passed away. It would all be okay because families can be together eternally through Heavenly Fathers plan. But I no longer believed in the church or the majority of its beliefs… so how could it be ok now? When I recently spoke to my mom, she said something simple ‘I am going to be with Owen again because he is my son, not for any other reason.’

I have no idea what the afterlife looks like, or if there is one. I also don’t know what I believe in terms of a deity. I do know, however, that Owen would be thrilled to see me happy. I know that if there is an afterlife, and I do have the opportunity to see Owen again, I will not be held away from it because of who I love. I will see him again because he is my brother. Unpacking religious trauma is a daily battle along with the trauma of losing a sibling, but I am happy be where I am today.